I love halfhearted halloween decorations. I love one witch plastered on a deli window with nothing else
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.