idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Natty or not?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.