My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
🤣🤣
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?