Shoutout to everyone making their kids Halloween costumes this week. I feel you, I am you, why are we like this.
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
This kid will have a bright future.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.