the time I found out I was allergic to shrimp
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Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test