What’s a good Halloween costume that doesn’t require makeup and isn’t uncomfortable and is my regular clothes?
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?