At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
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Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint