[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 馃槀
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can鈥檛 give them belly rubs
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
It doesn鈥檛 matter what鈥檚 behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you鈥檒l get there..
Unless it鈥檚 flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don鈥檛 catch up…
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there鈥檚 so much freedom but I鈥檓 always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I鈥檒l get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on