Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Lmfaoooooo
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
never ask a starfish for directions
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.