babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson