Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

tinder profile where the fish is holding me