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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
kids play hide and seek like
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
The Others (2001)
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.