Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now