Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
The point of your 20s
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶