My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Proctology is located in A55
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them