Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Cashiers are always checking me out
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot