Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Oh, I bet you would be
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve