Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn鈥檛 ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 馃槓馃槓馃槓
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn鈥檛 read it. I can鈥檛 believe I鈥檓 raising a studio executive.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they鈥檙e mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they鈥檙e even more mad at you for not鈥checks notes]鈥etting them get a pet venomous snake
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
A haunted house but it鈥檚 just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a pur茅ed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it鈥檚 7
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Every woman鈥檚 deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man鈥檚 deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.