dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Every house has this drawer
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.