[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
There’s always that one guy
![]()
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.