Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 馃槶馃ズ馃グ (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 馃槀
Gosh I love her sooo much 鈥硷笍
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: Wow, this one鈥檚 super dirty. I鈥檓 going to leave it to soak
Wife: That鈥檚 our daughter and no you鈥檙e not
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won鈥檛 hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I鈥檓 sorry, I鈥檓 going to have to cancel, I鈥檓 completely snowed in
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8鈥檚 head
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I鈥檇 like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I鈥檒l just put myself in the back seat of their car.
#merica
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.