My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Looking at you, Jesus.