divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I鈥檝e banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
when you鈥檙e a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
The worst thing just happened. I won鈥檛 recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn鈥檛 free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man鈥檚 chicken.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There鈥檚 no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
They banned trick or treating this year so I鈥檒l just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I don鈥檛 know what my spirit animal is, but I鈥檓 pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it鈥檚 all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you