Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
girls literally only want one thing..
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.