Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

When you try jalapeños for the first time

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.