Every husband sings this song 馃槀馃ぃ馃槀 馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
The ending is priceless 馃槅馃槅馃槅
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
HER: have you decided where you鈥檙e going to live
ME: I鈥檓 still on the fence
HER: that鈥檚 why I asked
Who called it a wolf in sheep鈥檚 clothing and not a woolf?
My problem isn鈥檛 that I lose all my chapsticks. It鈥檚 just that I don鈥檛 remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It鈥檚 like they are speaking cursive.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Why did I laugh so hard at this 馃槀
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*