Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
79.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Doggies just call it style.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago