Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
let’s discuss
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Natural selection at its finest
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.