Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
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One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”