Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐ถ
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐
Me: ๐๐ญ
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
It absolutely scares me to death that IโM the voice of reason in this house.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My blood type is coffee.
nice challenge
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I donโt even have a horseโฆ
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and itโd still be 3 pages long.
Mom: Whereโs your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some