@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
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My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
tinder is all about the long game
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.