Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.