Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down