[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
You Might Also Like
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Rather alarming headline…
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.