gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Worth the read.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.