Good boy 😂😂
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.