“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
weaknesses
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday