Had to try this trend 😊
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard