Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*