@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling