Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
That eye roll….
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.