Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.