Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 馃槓
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her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
No, I don鈥檛 want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it鈥檚 9.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The days of good grammer has went
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she鈥檚 holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I don鈥檛 get upset when autocorrect screws me because it鈥檚 the most action I鈥檝e seen in years.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I鈥檓 filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
j o i m p
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Broke my New Year鈥檚 resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
It鈥檚 so disappointing when you visit someone鈥檚 house for the first time, and they don鈥檛 have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: this meeting could鈥檝e been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.