How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”