How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.