How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
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Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.