How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?