I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.