I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍馃ズ馃ズ馃拫馃拫馃槝馃槝
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[wedding day]
fianc茅: I shouldn鈥檛 have let you pick the photographer
me: but he鈥檚 my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let鈥檚 take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese鈥檚 for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that鈥檚 what he said
i鈥檓 not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i鈥檓 just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine鈥檚. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn鈥檛 what i meant
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.