I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
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This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The Onion called it…again.
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At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”